I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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