watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
