Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
