I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
