My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize