I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I love you. Go after that dick
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