You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
