there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
