wakey wakey hands off snakey
no, he came in my armpit
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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