Even the bartender felt bad for me
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
How's work?
Spinning.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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