how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He kissed a someone with a penis
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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