On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
