Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
