Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
