that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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