just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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