I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
