i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
