He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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