drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
