His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
