I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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