My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You dont lie about slip and slides
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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