There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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