the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
