I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
