the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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