You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
