I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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