Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
