Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
