my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We're too hungover to prance.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
