We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
