My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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