My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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