i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
