I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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