I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
