i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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