i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
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I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
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He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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