i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
