Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
