Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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