If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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