The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
