drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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