i love accidental penises.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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