No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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