oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
