I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
