If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
