Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
