i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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