If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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