I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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