Life is so much better after having sex.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's blow job season.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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