Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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