so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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